Memories of my Mother
Lessons I learned that I wish to share

I wanted to provide you all with an update on my sweet and precious mama. After 13 years of fighting this disease, I finally lost her this May 19th. So many of you have been on this journey with me for all or part of this difficult and emotional journey of what we thought was Alzheimer's. Because she lasted so long, I believe it was severe Dementia afterall.  ​

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Through this journey so many of you provided sweet words of love and support.  The thing I appreciate so much is the words of patience and advice because no one in my family had ever had this wretched disease before and I really didn't know what I was facing and was frustrated often times.

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Lessons I learned that I want to share for anyone else that may go through it in the future. You all gave the the gift of patience, love and understanding and I hope I can pass some of the gems of wisdom forward to help others.

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1. Understand that the words coming out of their mouths is not THEM. It is the disease. As an only child and one that had a super close and tight relationship to their mother, I suffered a lot internally over guilt and was hurt deeply especially during the "angry phase" which lasted about 2 years earlier in the disease as some of the things coming out of my mother's mouth was just horrifying. It cut me down and hurt me so deeply.  But that phase mercifully passed and I got my sweet mother back though she was more confused as time progressed, it was still a relief compared to the trauma I was having to endure during that "angry phase".
   
   I was reminded several times...it's not her, it's the disease. While it still hurt, as time went on I was able to accept this better and it helped me cope and get through this hard phase.
    

2. Learn to live in her world. I found myself fighting the reality of the disease consuming her mind and memories. I found myself constantly trying to correct her and bring her to reality. I would get frustrated having to repeat myself over and over again and she would get frustrated at being corrected all the time. It was RUINING my moments with her which were already far and few between since she was in Thailand and I only could visit a few weeks in the spring and late summer.  What was the point of flying to the other side of the world only to frustrate each other in the time we had?
   
   Then several clients told me to remember that she doesn't want to be in her world. She wishes she could be in mine. But she can't. She has no ability to. From that point forward, instead of correcting her, I just lived in her world.
   
   It was full of make believe and stuff that was not true or just silly. But I went with it and we created more elaborate stories and I could see some of her wit and humor return. We turned frustrating moments into laughter, joy and love. What an incredible lesson that was because it turned the last 8-9 years of the disease into sweet memory making moments that I got to share with Mom.
    

3. The gift of music is so powerful. My ex-wife was a music therapist and she reminded me that music is the one thing that hits the parts of the brain that is unaffected by memory loss, dementia an Alzheimer's. For years I was trying to turn the TV on for her to give her entertainment and it literally turned her into a zombie.
   
   Then while at a 7-Eleven in Bangkok, I saw a radio on sale that had 1500 built-in songs that were all folk songs from her generation. I bought this amazing device and played it in her room and you could literally see her eyes light up. She recognized so many of the songs and would sing the lyrics.  She was singing to ME!
   
   Oh how I miss her sweet voice singing words of love and family to me. But what a beautiful gift I got to record and hold onto.  It was amazing how I could tell her something and 5 minutes later she had no recollection of anything I had said but then a song comes on from 40-50 years ago and she could sing every single word.  
   
   MUSIC gave her joy and entertainment for years. It was something that truly improved her quality of life as she became more imprisoned in her bed over time.
    

4. Record your moments with her.  I always took photos earlier on in the disease process. I'm a photo guy and it was something I did naturally.  But someone told me to record video. You'll want to look back and see your interactions with her. You'll want to hear her voice. Record her singing and telling you she loves you. These moments will disappear over time and you'll treasure those recordings more than anything you own.
   
   Now it's all I have. Those memories that I hold onto with fondness and love. I'm so thankful I have the photos but the videos really hit home. Hearing her sweet voice. Hearing her tell me she loves me. Those mean so much. 
    

5. Hearing is the last sense that goes so talk to her to the very end. So many clients told me this. Clients that were nurses as well as physicians and I took this to heart as we had several near death experiences with her towards the last 5-6 years of her journey.  I recall the one time in 2017 when I rushed back to Thailand because they said Mom was about to pass. Her body was wrecked with sepsis and her organs had already started to shut down. She was bloated like a puffer fish and was despondent. 
   
   By the time I got there, she looked so pitiful. I recall holding her hand and just talking softly into her ear that I loved her. That I was there. That if she wanted to go it was OK, I was going to be OK.  She somehow found the strength after several days of unconsciousness to squeeze my hand ever so gently. She heard me!! Somehow she heard me!  And over the course of the next month, she returned. Her organs work up again, Her kidneys regained their function. And she recovered and I got 7 more years with her.  It seemed to be a miracle but it took her hearing and knowing her boy was there again by her side which always was her greatest joy.
    

6. Spend time with her at all cost. I turned my world and my life upside down to be with her more and more through the years. As most of you know, I have spent months at a time yearly in Thailand ever since Covid and have been able to work remotely staying up late and taking calls and making sure my clients were well cared for as if I were still in America. 
   
   I would spend hours with Mom every afternoon and through that time I got to love her and honor her the way she deserved. I rekindled amazing relationships with my family in Thailand and through this wretched disease, I got the gift of renewing bonds with family. 
   
   I have no regrets whatsoever for the time I spent on the other side of the world. I have so many memories and in my heart, I know I did the right thing.

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So thank you for all the love and support as I say goodbye to my mother this year. I miss her and I am hurting but I am grateful for all the Blessings to have been born her son and to have had this sweet precious time with her. I thank all of you just for caring and for the sweet advice through the years that made my time with her priceless. I am forever grateful.

Thank you for being a part of my journey,
Eric

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Photo with mom. I must have been about 3-4 years old. She was so beautiful.

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Mom in her youth. What a looker she was.

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One of the last times Mom could verbally tell me she loved me. Shortly after this she had her sepsis and massive strokes that robbed her of her speech and ability to move her arms and legs.

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I got Mom a stuffed dog which we named after my dog (pictured on my business cards), Rocky. She loved that dog so much and she held this doll close for nearly 13 years. I have it at home again.

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​Eskimo kisses with mom. She couldn't speak anymore at this point but she still could show me love.

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​Lastly, I leave you with a couple videos.
Many of you have asked why Mom was in Thailand and so far away from me. I had explained to many of you that the care in Thailand was the best in the world. Nothing in America could come close. Here are a couple documentaries that go into the eldercare epidemic happening in many Western cultures and how it is different in Thailand. I have personal friends considering this alternative themselves.

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Al Jazeera English - Thailand's Last Resort | 101 East

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7yeiO-UZoM&list=WL&index=51

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60 Minutes Australia - The tropical resort providing world-class dementia care

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xETbLMuHG2I&list=WL&index=50

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